📌 Married to
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Married to a narcissist. 3 kids aged 5 and under. No degree. No car. No village to lean on. Any advice?
Get $20 cash back every time you get groceries. It doesn't show on the statement. Stash it somewhere safe. Bury it.
When you grocery shop, buy gift cards. Small amounts that wouldn't be noticed in the budget. Hide them. Then when you make your escape, you won't have to rely on joint accounts or cash and don't leave a trail.
Also, women's shelters are a thing. Even if you don't go to the shelter right away (if at all) they still may have plenty of support services and referrals.
Good luck. 🫶🏽
Contact the domestic abuse hotline. They will advise you as to creating a plan. They do not change, they aren't just kidding, they really meant it. They LOVE what you give them: a sense of power and control. Do not listen to the narcissist. I am 3 years free. I didn't understand any of this until I left. You will have friends and family who doubt you. Don't defend yourself to them. Make a plan, get out, be safe, and self nurturing.
Once you leave, put a Pin on your kids social so he can’t file taxes on them.
Collect all the evidence of abuse. Many judges don’t count verbal as abuse. If you have blood bruises broken bones, get medical documentation by going to the ER or calling police.
On money: while married, get certificates or degree (nail tech, nursing, etc) so you can get back on your feet
Good note on gift cards. Move important documents (passport, birth certificate etc) at a friends place.
It’s best to leave while your children is young because when they get older he infiltrates them with bad habits and turns them against you
You need to plan your escape. It may take a while. I don’t know your financial situation but you could always take half the money from every account you have and go to a shelter. A lot of shelters are full so make sure you have a space for you and your kids.
I did it after 20 years of marriage and four kids. Also no degree, savings, job. Start by joining support groups, they have great advice (be careful that he can't see what you're researching.) If you can, get a therapist, that's the only way I got out.
Great books - Why Does He Do That and Psychopath Free.
Listen to podcasts about surviving narc abuse - learn to yellow rock and gray rock.
You can do it.
Men normally become very mean narcissists when you are fully dependent upon them. Never ever ever depend on a man for anything, even when it comes to taking care of your kids. You have to save yourself, immediately. Sometimes strangers can help you unlock your destiny
All I can say is you can do it, even if it’s hard, even if you think you can’t you can and peace is waiting on the other side. It’s a poor, struggling kind of peace but none the less it’s peace. search for resources, stow away money when you can, make a plan and execute. Your village will find you ❤️
I was you. Took 20 years to get out. Had very tiny village and no one left in the end
Find a way to get an education….
I did mine while my kids were at preschool but it was very hard.
What country are you in?
Also write things down as much as you can - keep diaries
Open an account he doesn’t know about and squirrel cash into it, as in get it out of family
Account when you can and deposit the cash so there’s no trace.
Are you safe? If you are not safe, please reach out to a domestic abuse hotline for help in your area.
If you’re safe, start planning. Work on getting a job. Building community! Mommy and Me or library time or what have you. There are so many completely online programs for degrees. Start looking into them. Saving money. Every baby step helps and they add up.
leave anyway you got this
Get a part time job. Something from home? Waitressing to hide tips? It’s a long road, but you can do it. But for gods sake, teach your children to never rely on anyone for money!
If you’re good with numbers take a course on bookkeeping. They are always in demand.
My only advice is don’t let on you’re leaving, if you are planning to. You absolutely must keep it a secret for your safety!
Connect with women shelter they will have resources and support
Make sure you get copies of all relevant financial documents, life insurance, investments, will, mortgage deed, car titles, etc. Take video walk-through of the house inside and out, focus on all real and personal property. They HIDE everything of value.
Save what money you can. Seek out community support for abused women and make a realistic plan to leave him as soon as possible.
@oliviahowell can help you.
Do you feel safe now?
Uncertainty will make you doubt any move you’re about to make.
Know that shaky swirly feeling is normal when you’re breaking away.
You don’t have to wait til there is enough money to make a big shift .
Document if you can the behavior for you and the kids. Keep it safe for future use.
Please let who ever you reach out to if you’re under surveillance and how.
My advice is not coming from a professional, but lawsl schools on college campuses have DV clinics that are secret and can help get you those support systems you need even if none of it is a legal issue. I do not know where you live but you could go to the University for a day out with the kids.
Go to a Bible believing teaching church. Ask God to help you find one. They’ll come and pick you up and help you navigate through a tough relationship
Enroll in school and get the medical insurance for you and kids.
Use a trusted friend or family physical address to get a PO Box for mail that you don’t want them seeing. If you use your current home address, Post office mails a COA confirmation and discloses new forwarding address.
It will not get better so think about getting out of the marriage. Seek help from a reputable source.
Make a go and fund me so we all can send you money to leave! #secretAccount
I don't know your location but 211.org may have some resources available. You need to get away from him immediately. Degree isn't a factor, and there are plenty of jobs hiring without experience. Food and health industry are always hiring. Get a food handler's permit, easy to do online at a local library. Do you have a bus system? Find out about your area's bus routes.
Local DV org for resources
Covenant house is nationwide.
Once gone, do NOT use a bank debit card, spend cash. You can be court-ordered to give up bank statements which will disclose your town and places you frequent for shopping. My ex visited my peaceful places to hang after I left, asking questions about me.
Bank statements reflect questionable purchases, doctor appointments and therapy appointments you may not want them using as tools against you.
Use it to your advantage, when you do. Children’s clothing, school supplies, groceries for them, etc. you want to DEMONSTRATE expenses for which you will need support and alimony. BUT you do NOT want to use it for entertainment or dining out!
Use Google voice phone number or prepaid cell phone, so phone records aren’t ordered by court.
Anything is better than that, get started!
Get a job. Or a side hustle. Save that money away in a separate bank account at a separate bank. Contact a women's shelter, ask what assistance they can provide for you to leave the abusive relationship. Get a new phone number. Leave. Don't look back.
You have a huge village at your disposal. Research what's available in your community. They are waiting for you. Reach out. There's everything from free legal advice, to free childcare while you get counseling, to a place to escape to.
Try to secretly get yourself services like cash assistance food stamps etc but keep this private have all mail sent to a diff address or tell them that you are fleeing from a dv relationship thy will have to have immediate resources for you. If not keep calling every day until they do but wait until he’s not around. Start throwing stuff away you don’t really want or need so when you leave it will be easier. Pack a little go go back for the kids and have it in the closet, if you share a room or
If he ask questions just say that it’s a bag for daycare or old clothes you giving away. Save a couple of $20s here and there along the way just to have some change on yourself incase you need to leave immediately and the kids need food and stuff. Most importantly my love tell someone close to you about what you are going through. I remember being so embarrassed to tell my mom until I couldn’t take it anymore. Don’t feel bad and don’t feel like a victim because you aren’t ❤️👌🏾