You’re trying to force alignment in a life you’ve already outgrown.

Kane Parson should have legally changed his name to Kane Pixels.

President De-Lu-Lu is trying to tell us that he made the U.S. “the hottest country.” Those are some strong drugs.

Braves manager Walt Weiss says that starting pitcher Chris Sale was as sick as a dog today, and that it was "touch and go" before the game.

Sale pitched 6 innings, gave up 1 hit, 1 earned run, didn't walk anybody and struck out 3.

Not bad for a sick guy.

One time, I got super sick. It was the kind of virus that made you miserable from both ends and three days of absolute brutal torture that would give the exorcist a run for its money.

There’s no such thing as TMI here.

Anyways, so my dad caught the ick and at 3 in the morning, I got a phone call from my mom while I was still high and sleepy and recovering from illness:

“I HAD TO CALL AN AMBULANCE FOR YOUR DAD!”

Oh shit. I’m stumbling and trying to maneuver downstairs and stubbed my toe.